Funniest Novel Opening Sentences

At the beginning of the year I made a post listing some of the weirdest novel opening sentences. I quite enjoyed making that post so I thought I’d make some more similar posts, including scariest and funniest novel opening sentences.

This weeks post is the funniest novel opening sentences!

Breaking Up by Bill Manville
“I don’t know how other men feel about their wives walking out on them, but I helped mine pack.”

The Metamorphosis and Other Stories by Franz Kafka
“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”

Wake In Fright by Kenneth Cook
“He sat at his desk, wearily watching the children file out of the room, reflecting that, this term at least, it was reasonable to assume that none of the girls was pregnant.”

The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul by Douglas Adams
“It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression ‘As pretty as an airport.'”

Wild Wood by Colin Meloy
“How five crows managed to lift a twenty-pound baby boy into the air was beyond Prue, but that was certainly the least of her worries.”

The Lost Continent by  Bill Bryson
“I come from Des Moines. Somebody had to.”

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
“I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974.”

Seven Up by Janet Evanovich
“For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple–I wanted to be an intergalactic princess.”

The Fifth Elephant by Terry Pratchett
“They say the world is flat and supported on the back of four elephants who themselves stand on the back of a giant turtle.”

The Princess Bride by William Goldman
“This is my favorite book in all the world, though I have never read it.”

Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins
“If this typewriter can’t do it, then f*** it, it can’t be done.”

An Abundance Of Katherines by John Green
“The morning after noted child prodigy Colin Singleton graduated from high school and got dumped for the 19th time by a girl named Katherine, he took a bath. Colin had always preferred baths.”

Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry
“When you have to kill the same terrorist twice in one week, then there’s either something wrong with your skills or something wrong with your world. And there’s nothing wrong with my skills.”

Sideways Stories From Wayside School by Louis Sachar
“We’re going to tell you about three of the children in Mrs. Jewls’s class, on the thirtieth story of Wayside School. But before we get to them, there is something you ought to know. Wayside School was accidentally built sideways. It was supposed to be only one story high, with thirty classrooms all in a row. Instead, it is thirty stories high, with one classroom on each story. The builder said he was very sorry.”

Matilda by Roald Dahl
“It’s a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.”

Is there a funny novel opening sentence that I missed?

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